tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955747177689610332.post4806730525484294147..comments2023-12-12T00:22:38.664-08:00Comments on A Non Custodial Mother: Shower ConfessionalSophia van Burenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16272187701319432809noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955747177689610332.post-80164076635882414172013-03-12T21:58:47.897-07:002013-03-12T21:58:47.897-07:00I can't tell you how much this story resonates...I can't tell you how much this story resonates with me. My ex has custody of our daughter and for the last 9 years I have heard story after unprovable story about verbal, emotional and physical abuse that she goes through from him and his 2nd wife. Who is now his 2nd ex. Who still sees her much much more than I do. Who he actually told me was more important for our daughter to have a relationship with than I was. And of course counselors and mediators suspect you're feeding your kid the words to say because the ex and step are just as pleasant as can be...<br /><br />Ugh.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955747177689610332.post-51158751755340596922012-01-30T10:59:18.146-08:002012-01-30T10:59:18.146-08:00Hope all is well and looking forward to hearing fr...Hope all is well and looking forward to hearing from you. I was recently called a bitch in front of my son while asking why i'm not aloud to have a copy of school work. It seems if you try to stand up sometimes it makes it harder on the kids. I wish you all the best and i'm so glad you post here. It's been amazing to have this blog in my life.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955747177689610332.post-84398457333121765752012-01-10T08:30:57.211-08:002012-01-10T08:30:57.211-08:00This piece was especially hard to write. I simply...This piece was especially hard to write. I simply wrote down what my daughter said happened, and while I wrote, it seemed to hit me even harder, and made me question so many things. Friday, Mike and I meet with the counselor, and even then, I am so confused about how much to say and how to say it. Protecting my kids is my number one concern, and I keep asking myself about how I can protect them from the subtle levels of abuse (mostly emotional) that seem to loom around them if I DO bring these concerns to light. My youngest may not confide in me if her dad knows she tells me these things, yet I MUST. I can only rely on the counselor at this point, to give me practical advice and I have to trust that my ex and his wife will somehow "see the light" and try to change or at least communicate honestly so we can fix these things. The inner "mama bear" in me wants to charge forward, go to court, take back my children without looking back... but I've asked the lawyers and CPS and counselors how to go about doing this too and there is not a legal way to do so unless it gets "worse". <br /><br />I shouldn't have to wait for bruises and police. I should be able to address this like a reasonable adult with my ex and his wife. It's so complicated. <br /><br />We will see what happens.Sophia van Burenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16272187701319432809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955747177689610332.post-48031078812389303672012-01-09T22:59:27.811-08:002012-01-09T22:59:27.811-08:00Wow.... This could easily been written by me. Thi...Wow.... This could easily been written by me. This is what I have to face day in and day out.Coleman Moms and Babeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00417978255004724380noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955747177689610332.post-20604135703019398242012-01-09T11:15:41.186-08:002012-01-09T11:15:41.186-08:00I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. What c...I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. What constitutes child abuse probably varies according to the state you live in. In PA, corporal punishment is not considered abuse unless it is "excessive" and some other criteria I now forget (I was on a child abuse jury about 10 years ago). But also in PA, at some point a judge will listen to the child's wishes about where they want to live, at least that's what my divorced friends tell me. If things are that bad at her father's, I'd be surprised if giving up her friends, school, etc. would be that big of a deterrent to her. I don't have any great advice. I'm also not entirely sure I agree with your advice of never fighting back. At some point enough is enough and you have to protect yourself. What about putting Faith in a martial arts class to learn what she'd need to do to defend herself, while hoping to never have to use it? It might make her feel more confident and empowered to deal with problems too--just a thought. Good luck!Lauren Hiddenhttp://www.hiddenhelper.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955747177689610332.post-89801284000446962522012-01-09T10:40:40.696-08:002012-01-09T10:40:40.696-08:00I'm a fifty+ guy, both Father and former step ...I'm a fifty+ guy, both Father and former step dad and I can say unequivocally, that step parenting for me if not THE toughest, was certainly one of the toughest challenges emotionally I ever faced, both before and since my relationship with my step kids' mother; however, the dynamic you describe of your child’s own father giving her a pop in the face is very alien to me. I was often guilty of being far harder with time outs, cleaning your room, and doing chores with my step kids than I was on my own flesh and blood; some of that is just primal and takes great strength and resolve to get past. SOmetimes I was successful, other times not so much. The fact that my step kids’ mother was sleeping around almost from day one, put me in a vengeful state of mind much of the time, and it was sometimes her children who suffered for their mother’s infidelities; not something I'm proud of, or came to understand in just a few sessions of therapy, nor do I make any excuses for my behavior, but there are primal things often going on that can trigger such behavior patterns and something is amiss with “Mike”. I am no judge, and rarely - if ever - does involving Family Law Court solve anything; to the contrary. Based upon my personal experience in a “combined families“ household, I am of the opinion that “Mike” must be coming under tremendous pressure - whether perceived or actual - of some or more kinds from “Wanda” and he needs to recognize that. There is a book that all of you - Wanda and Mike included - should read entitled “Father and Child Reunion” it is an absolute must, and the children should read it as well, even the older kid. The book, written by Dr. Warren Farrell, PhD. (Putnam) was published in 2001 and is the result of thirteen years worth of research on, among many, many other things pertinent to your plight, the dynamic in “combined family households” and how extremely difficult such dynamics can be. In my own experience, men sometimes give up, and when the support from their partner is weak or nonexistent, well, it can become a nightmare…..One thing I can also unequivocally say: I did my absolute best with what I had…..Good luck, and may calm and beauty dominate your daughter’s life…P.B.inLosAngeleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13365248172779932678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955747177689610332.post-73032660917753613802012-01-09T10:19:37.041-08:002012-01-09T10:19:37.041-08:00Oh, Sophia. I'm so sorry. I think I have an id...Oh, Sophia. I'm so sorry. I think I have an idea of how wrenching this must be for you and your kids. I think you are doing exactly the right thing by having Faith talk to the therapist, but it's true that if there are no bruises CPS can't do anything. I think Jackson is close to the age where he could refuse to visit his dad and the court would listen to him. NOt sure about Faith. But the best thing is to have her talk to the counselor because he's a mandated reporter. Holding good thoughts for you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com